CRAZY Read online

  Now, I’ve found it with Gabby.

  Lies

  Gabby

  Oh, shit, Gabrielle! What did you do?!

  The voices ring in my head, muddling the noise of the courtroom. Closing my eyes, I try to black out the attack, but it useless. Why today?!

  “Fuck, Gabby!”

  His screams pierce my ears loud enough to cripple me to my chair. I close my eyes, shutting out everything around me, and try to block out the flashback that started all because I didn’t have a chance to read the fine details of this case until making it into the court room today.

  Shit! Breathe, Gabby. Breathe.

  Five…

  “Ma’am, you have to stay back!”

  Four…

  “Noo!!!”

  Three…. Breathe… two…

  Oh god, what have I done?

  One…

  Opening my eyes, I flick my gaze around the courtroom until I can focus on something. Anything. Of course, today this would happen. My heart’s pounding, and all I can do is stare at the plant that my eyes have focused on. One fucking plant. The people moving about are still are a blur. My assistant is talking to me, but I can’t make out his words. Everything is slowly coming back, but that was a bad one.

  Shit, one of these times an attack like that is going to hit me in the middle of a case, or in the middle of my driving home. One of these times it’s going to get me killed, and I’m not entirely too upset about that thought. Maybe that’s just what I deserve.

  “Gabby?” Lance’s voice cuts through the fog, and I glance over at him. His face is etched with worry, and my guilt immediately starts eating at me that he’s worried about me. People shouldn’t worry about me. I’m not fine. I’ll never be fine, so there’s no need to worry because there’s nothing they can do. “Hey, you okay?” His eyebrows scrunch together and I sigh.

  No. No I’m not okay. I’m broken, and there’s no fixing me.

  Unfortunately, I can’t tell him that. I can’t tell anyone that. Ever.

  What I can do, however, is pull up my big girl panties, paste on the smile I’ve perfected, and kick this case’s ass. Anything that has to do with a small child immediately comes to me. They all know I’m passionate about it, but none of them know why. I like to keep my personal life away from… well… everyone.

  “Yep. I’m fine, let’s do this.” Standing, I take my files to the judge for review, and then return to my seat as the defending attorney does the same. How someone can defend scumbags like that is beyond me. I’d never be able to do that, no matter how much money they offer me.

  Within two hours, the case is closed and another win is notched on my belt. My first few wins, I’d felt the rush of the victory, but now a win means nothing more than the good guy won, the bad guy lost, and back to the real world we all go. A loss… well, those are devastating. Grabbing my phone, I see a missed call from Benton and a few missed texts from Ellie. Grinning, I reply to the texts before putting Benton on Bluetooth on the way home. She’s already at my apartment waiting, so this phone call can only last as long as it takes for me to get home. He knows about Ellie… he’s known the entire time that I’m open in my relationships, so I don’t get too attached, but he’s not really a fan of Ellie. She’s hot, and good in bed, but she can be a bit of a bitch.

  “Hey,” he answers, Hannah crying in the background. I’ve never met her, but his love for her shows brightly through his rough spots. Not jealous at all of him at this point in the day. I’m looking forward to getting home and having dessert before dinner tonight. That’s hard to do with kids at home.

  “Hi, what’s up?” Turning into Chicago traffic, I curse and hit the brakes. The light’s green, but the three lights ahead of us are red, so I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I grab my phone as a new text comes through to see what my plans for tonight are.

  Oooh, very nice, Ellie.

  “I was seeing what you have going on tomorrow. Hannah’s going to my parents for a bit,” he says, hopefully, which makes me grin a bit wider. Already grinning from the image Ellie just sent me, I put the phone back after replying to her and finally answer Benton.

  “Don’t you think this is getting to be a lot?” I say, worried that I’m getting a little too attached to him already. He’s been around for months now. The first time together, it was all fun and games. The second time together, it was like fucking fireworks. Every time since then keeps getting better and better, and compared to my other partners in the last seven months, none of them hold a candle to the orgasms that Benton brings me. I’d love to see him every night, but that’s where the problem lies.

  I can’t do that.

  I can’t let myself get that close to anyone again. I know it won’t end well. I let myself get this wrapped up with him. Sleeping with him for the past seven months is the longest running male connection I’ve had since the accident, but I can’t let it go further.

  “Uh… no?” he says, agitation lacing his voice.

  “Really? Because that’ll be about six times in the last week.” Six amazing, mind-blowing times that blow every other partner out of the water, Ellie included, but I’d never tell him that. I just need to keep my distance, and I’m worried spending so much time with him is just going to lead to more heartbreak than is needed. Maybe it’s time I start backing away.

  “Gab if you’re done with me, just tell me,” he huffs, obviously annoyed with the screaming baby in the background. “Listen, I’ve gotta go. Call me later, okay?”

  “Yes, sure. Absolutely,” I say, grinning. Hopefully, Ellie will be gone by the time I have to call him back. No need to rub in his face, no need to make him upset.

  See! This is why I don’t do long term relationship fucks! They start expecting something, and then things just get all kinds of muddled.

  By the time I make it home, the sun it starting to set and the lights in my apartment are already off. Door locked, no candles, no music. Great. A note lies on my counter.

  Greg came home. Sorry, babe, -E

  Wonderful. Greg is Ellie’s other plaything, and she’s about as tied to him as I am my job.

  I love my job, but there’s times I feel like I chose the wrong profession. Always working or traveling, I feel like my home life consists of fucking different people, and not having time to be a mid-twenties girl in Chicago.

  Of course, that’s what I wanted, isn’t it? When choosing my life, I chose the path that didn’t allow for much ‘me’ time, because my brain can’t handle too much of that.

  Dinner in the fridge, the pictures of what Ellie had planned for tonight start flooding my phone. Oh, she’s good. How she got herself into those poses and had the camera there for pictures is too much. She’s very… intense. She knows about Benton, but she hates him: a jealousy type of hate.

  All I can tell her is that he stays. I don’t tell her why, because I’m not entirely certain why. What I do know is that every time I see him, I want more. Just being around him… seeing him, hearing him, smelling him… makes me want so much more than I deserve. I know I should get rid of him before it becomes something bad, but he’s just so good. All of him.

  After heating up leftovers, I grab my phone to call Benton back. If Ellie isn’t keeping me company tonight, maybe I can pay him a visit. When the call goes to voicemail, I grunt and toss my phone on the side table, then head to the kitchen to grab a beer. The attack today hit me hard, and my head is starting to pound from it. Popping a few aspirin and downing them with the beer, I chuckle that I’m not at all worried about the fact that I just took medicine with a beer.

  It’s hard to care when you don’t even want to be here anymore.

  Lately, the guilt from twelve years ago has been eating at me, and I know it’s because his birthday is coming up, but, for some reason, this year it feels worse. It could be that work is adding a whole new stress to my life, it could be that I’ve been on these medications for a while now and maybe it’s time to switch up, but I’m fairly certain
it’s because I’m starting to have feelings for a person that isn’t myself… and that isn’t supposed to happen. I still remember the conversation we had when all of this started. It was the night of Annaliese’s birthday party. Adam rented a rooftop at one of the hotels in downtown Chicago for the entire weekend as a surprise and invited all of Annaliese’s friends. One look at Benton, and I knew I’d be having a replay of the night they got engaged. That was the night he learned just what type of person I am.

  ***

  “So uh… can we keep all this to ourselves?” I ask, pulling the black dress strap back over my shoulder.

  “Oh.” He acts surprised in his response. Like he was expecting me to run and tell the world that I just slept with Benton James for the second time. Uh… sorry, guy. If I screamed to the world every time I had sex... well... I’d have a very sore throat. “Yeah,” he mumbles as he fiddles with the zipper of my dress to help out. His fingers graze my skin and I feel the tingles start between my legs again. It’s happened both times now. One look from this man and I’m putty.

  “I mean… it’s just fun. All fun and games.” I shrug and smile back at him as he kisses my shoulder once he has the final clasp of the dress together. He’s good at that… like he’s had practice before.

  Probably because he’s a widow, Gabby. He’s damaged goods, too.

  “Right, fun and games,” he says, then trails off, looking around for his shirt.

  “Benton, I don’t do relationships. Look… this was a grand time. Great fucking sex… but I don’t do monogamy… or long-term shit. I’m down for doing this again, and again, and again. What I’m not down for is you expecting something out of me that I’m not willing to give. I can’t.”

  He silently nods at me as he stands in the hotel room, bare-chested, and the color from his tattoos, brilliant in the moonlight, glowing in through the window. Beautiful. And I suddenly feel terrible for hurting his feelings.

  “Yeah, sure. That’s fine… just sex. I can do that.”

  “I’m with other people now, Benton. It’s not just you… you understand, right? I’m not going further with this if you’re the jealous type,” I say, crossing my arms under my breasts, watching his gaze immediately flick to them.

  “Got it. Not jealous. Now, come here. I just decided we’re not quite finished here yet,” he growls, chucking the shirt and pouncing on me, laughter erupting from me as he tackles me to the bed.

  ***

  Smiling, remembering that night like it was just last week when it was really months ago… I still miss that dress. He ruined it that night. Apparently, zippers take too long for him.

  I head to bed that night frustrated that he never called me back. Angry that Ellie dropped me, and even more upset at myself that I’ve got too wrapped up in something that I swore up and down I’d never do.

  I’m not looking for pity, but I’m not looking to tell anyone about my issues. We all have them, some bigger than others, but I’m not ready to set mine free. Being with one person, and one person only, is bound to make those secrets come out.

  I can’t have that.

  Jealousy

  Benton

  “What the hell, man? What’s your deal today?” Adam huffs. “You need to get laid, B.”

  I chuckle, so goddamned tired from being up with a teething baby last night that I can barely focus on the words on the page.

  “Right, Adam. I’ll be getting laid when my daughter is about thirty,” I joke. He knows nothing about my sex life, but he thinks he does. He thinks he knows everything about me, but he’s wrong.

  Adam likes to think he knows a lot, but he doesn’t know about the piercings, he doesn’t know about the tattoos, and he doesn’t know about Gabby. I want like hell to tell him about her. It’d be nice to have another dude’s point of view… but I promised her. No one knows. Now, here I sit, so fucking tired and still worrying about the girl that wants nothing more than to fuck me and leave.

  Most guys would be ecstatic about having a hot as hell ‘fuck buddy’, but not me. I’m thirty years old with an almost one year old. I’m coming up on her birthday, which also happens to be an anniversary of my wife’s death. I’m a fucking widow with a baby… Can’t I get a break here and not fall for the crazy ones?

  Sure, I knew going into it that she doesn’t do relationships, but my dumb ass thought I could change her. I thought ‘well, we will just have to see about that’. Now, seven months later, I’ve had the best sex I’ve ever had my entire life more times than I can count, I think I’m falling in love with her, yet she still won’t fess up and tell me she just wants to be with me. It kind of puts me in a hard position.

  I see something in her eyes when she starts to get to comfortable with me. I see the flicking of the bands on her wrist, the constant taking down and putting up of her hair, over and over. I see the little nervous habits, and know she’s got something deeper than a hate of relationships going on, but I can’t really do anything about it to help her until she opens up to me. And that’s the thing… I want her to open up to me. I want her to be comfortable with me. The only way she’s ever going to do that is if she commits.

  Unfortunately, she’s afraid of that.

  “Listen, you’re obviously busy inside that fancy head of yours,” he scoffs. Was he talking to me? Shit? “Just be at lunch tomorrow, okay? It’s a big client. Don’t fuck it up,” he warns, and I chuckle.

  “Fuck you… get out, I have work to do,” I grumble. I’m not in the mood to shit around right now. There’s so much on my mind, I don’t even know what the meeting tomorrow is for, but he wants me there for some reason.

  “Tomorrow, B.” His eyes lock on mine and I nod, knowing full well how important tomorrow’s meeting is to him.

  It’s funny. We used to have meetings in secret with men that held all the power of the city. Secret meetings. Now, we have them in public in the middle of broad daylight. Adam Callahan isn’t a stupid man. He almost got caught in the wrong web of lies and deceit one too many times.

  By the time the day is over, all I can do is think about getting to Gabby. After I feed Hannah, I make it to my parents’ house with an hour to go before her bedtime, making my parents happy that they can spend some time playing with her before they have to put her down.

  “So, you’ll get her in the morning before work? Are you sure about that, Benton? You look tired… Why don’t you take the day off tomorrow?” my mom starts in on me, and, as much as I know she means well, it gets annoying at times that she doesn’t understand the importance of my job.

  “Mom, tonight’s just a small work get together,” I lie, frustrated that I can’t even tell her what I’m doing tonight. “I won’t be out late. I’ll get a good night sleep and no, I can’t take tomorrow off. Big things are happening, Mom. I have to be there for them.”

  “You need some relaxing time, Benton. Maybe one of these weekends you and your father can go fishing or something. Or maybe we can take Hannah for the weekend! That would work, right?”

  Shaking my head, and laughing at her honest worry, I hug and kiss her, promising her that I won’t run myself ragged, then kiss Hannah goodbye and head out to the car. I’m antsy and I don’t know why. I’ve done this with Gabby so many times before, but tonight feels different. It feels like tonight’s the end. She was so distant when we spoke last night, and then she never called me back. I feel like she’s pulling away and I can’t help but worry that she knows that my feelings for her are stronger than friends with benefits. If she knew how I’m falling in love with her, I know she’d run. I’ll keep my feelings to myself if it means I can keep her. I need to be around her. She makes me feel real. She makes me feel alive. I haven’t felt that in a long time.

  Having a baby is a blast, and, for the most part, she’s a great kid, but there’s days that being a single dad really eats at me. Between the teething, sickness, and anger, I’m not sure if I’ll make it by myself. I love that I grew up with two parents in the house, and I’d love
for Hannah to have that too. That’s not what I’m doing, per se, with Gabby… but it’d be nice if she’d be able to be involved in Hannah’s life. I can’t do that, though, until I know that Gabby’s serious about us. No reason to introduce Hannah to someone who won’t be around long enough for Hannah to remember or make memories with.

  By the time I make it to Gabby’s place, I’ve already worked myself up for another conversation like we has last night, but, when the door swings open to a dark room and candlelight flickering, I grin and my pants immediately start to tent.

  Fuck.

  “Mr. James,” Gabby whispers, standing in front of me in the flickering candlelight, the bodice of her outfit cupping her curves and allows her tits to spill out like they’re just begging me to touch them.

  “Oh, fuck,” I mumble, moving to her and kicking the door closed. “Good God, woman.”

  My hands run down her side as she giggles and wraps her arms around my neck. Her eyes lock on mine as she pushes her body against mine, moaning when she feels me hardening for her.

  “Well, hello there,” she whispers, moving her hand down to gently cup me.

  Goddamnit.

  “Mmm, baby,” I groan, squeezing her ass, and lifting her to wrap her legs around me. Her ass cheeks fill my hands perfectly, and her warmth from between her legs heats my cock to fully erect. “Fuck, Gabby.”

  “Fuck me, Benton.” She grins and bites down on her lip, narrowing her eyes at me as I lay her on the bed.

  “Fucking gladly, babe.” Walking into her bedroom, she crawls up the bed on all fours and glances at me over her shoulder, waiting for me and wiggling her ass.

  It takes me no time at all to strip and grab a condom, and, as soon as I push into her, I feel a sense of peace come over me. Euphoric. She calms me and makes my heartbeat skyrocket from one touch. I crave her; I crave this. Her moans fill the room as I pump into her, slamming into her harder than I planned, but the more she moans the harder I slam.

  Fuck!

  By the time we’re finished, I’m spent and so thankful for not having to go get Hannah and take her home tonight. I love that girl, but I’m actually looking forward to a full night’s sleep for once.